Infants 1917

The pups and I wandered past the elementary school to spend some time in the cemetery across Main Street.  I read tombstones while they sniffed everything. [Our children often came home from grade school with tales of funeral processions they watched out of the windows of their classroom or while they were at recess.]

This evening was much like yesterday evening when DH and I walked to the cemetery. But yesterday we went alone. He was not amused by some paperwork issues and I thought it best to “lighten” things up. Of course that meant a trip to the cemetery.

Okay, I am teasing. It meant a walk - one without dogs who might misbehave. And we thought a short walk would be best as we started late and sunset might take us by surprise. We often walk the few blocks to the cemetery. It is peaceful and quiet. It is a history lesson, of our county and our state.

We waited out the lines of cars and headed past the bordering row of crepe myrtles and the flagpole (erected by the local VFW) to muse about the lives of our former (and current in a way) neighbors.  There were the tree trunk markers of the Woodsmen of the World and stones that appeared to be only partially carved. 

From the "Infants" plot

Carved with two different family names. One on either side.

Some parents outlived their children. Many soldiers and sailors and airmen - some who survived war and some who did not - made these few acres their final resting place. Some plots raise questions, like the one where graves are marked only MOTHER and FATHER with birth and death years. Sisters are buried there as well. We wondered (and through a Google search found information. See Sparra Family at the end of the post).

Who was she? Mrs. Charles Sparra.

Who was he? Charles Sparra 

Perhaps a sister?

And a sister who died a month later?

OK. Who was Roy?

We determined the identity of some parents and children in family plots, mostly by doing the math. One particularly sad group remained in my head – the young woman who died in 1917 and who is laid to rest aside “Infants 1917.”   It seemed as if she died in or just after childbirth, probably with her twins - children who were never named. Tragic. Personal.

Epitaphs were plain and simple or almost breathtaking.

As I looked around at this amazing place a thought took form and I was speaking before I had a chance to think. “I do not want to be buried in a military cemetery,” I said.  

My attitude, after my recent experience with the local veterans’ cemetery, was no different than it has been upon a trip to Arlington and following the visits we have made to the cemetery on Long Island where my in-laws are interred. There is something special about a military cemetery, but I do not belong there. I have spent 30+ years observing the Army making it clear that DH is, in many ways, a number…a cog in the machine. And I have been along for much of this ride. 

I do not want to be forever in formation - in perfect columns and rows - only approved decorations and flowers allowed. The Army has had enough of my life.

And I continued, “Look at all the soldiers here. You would have good company. And look at all the interesting headstones. Now this is a cemetery!”

Ever the kind and understanding husband, DH replied, “I don’t mind. It doesn’t matter to me.” 

This may seem grim or depressing to some readers. And I am sorry if I offend. But in our family we believe that there are no "forbidden" topics and that difficult times are made easier if people talk about things in advance.

I guess I was successful in distracting him from the paperwork fiasco.

I cannot say I want a garden gnome or a park bench or those solar garden lights (or - heaven forbid – one of those awful plastic flower “Mother” displays my children threaten me with) on my plot, but if the kids want to hang a mobile or plant some iris, it would be OK.  

And here are my notes:

As a gift to your family/friends and to avoid a few paperwork snafus - perhaps I should say "here is a list of other uncomfortable topics to talk about":

* Write a will and keep it up to date.

*Make sure you have a general power of attorney and a medical power of attorney. 

*Consider a directive to physicians for inpatient and outpatient situations.

*Talk about how you feel regarding extraordinary medical procedures. 

*Let your family members know that you give them permission to make the best decisions they can at the time and that you understand and love them – no matter what (if you do - and I hope this will work for you).  

* Leave directions for your funeral (if you want one) and for the disposal of your remains. (If you have made a plan it is easier for those having to make these decisions.)

*You might want to write or at least start your obit/eulogy. Your family and friends may change it up a bit, but this gives you the opportunity to make sure they know those particulars that you would like mentioned. 

   
     There are more things you can do to be prepared, but these will provide a good starting place.

     Before I could post this I watched the 4-27-14 edition of Sunday Morning:

     1. For more information see your lawyer and/or your health care facility. Sunday Morning had a great  show on "advance directives" as did NPR.  Apparently 96% of the residents of La Crosse, Wisconsin have one. The links of these quick stories are provided for your convenience. 

     http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2014/03/05/286126451/living-wills-are-the-talk-of-the-town-in-la-crosse-wis

     http://www.cbsnews.com/news/being-prepared-for-the-final-days/

     https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/08/02/letting-go-2?mbid=contentmarketing_facebook_citizennet_paid_magazine_what-should-medicine-do-when-it-cant-save-you_2-4-visit&fbclid=IwAR3XqUD0cQhtUvahvDlxo4bXiD6lXj-Y6i_eRUaiz7na_ZZ__idwU4N2ugw


     2. SPARRA FAMILY:

     I found information on the parents in "Find a Grave" and an Attorney General's opinion regarding the sisters who were teachers and left their retirement funds to each other: 

     https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/opinions/opinions/38mann/op/1940/pdf/gm2907.pdf  

No, I do not whistle past the churchyard, but I had to post this - the Graves graves.